Negotiate with an Angry Woman

TAKE CONTROL

She's furious, you're flummoxed. So defuse her anger in a way she understands: by talking it to death. "The key is building toward a discussion. It doesn't matter if it's good, bad, or ugly," says Sergeant Scottie Frier, a crisis negotiator in the Lexington County sheriff's department in South Carolina. "If you're going to end up in a crisis again with that person, you need to have built that trust."



FIND HER FUSE

Establish a perimeter. Start by detecting bluffs. A crisis situation could be just a call for attention. "Women sometimes pick fights to gauge a man's level of interest and commitment," says Nancy Fagan, author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Romance. "It might not have to do with what she's nagging about."



And don't just blame monthly mood swings. "Under the anger are usually the primary feelings of hurt or frustration," says Maryland-based sex educator Charles Miron, Ph.D. "If you dive under the anger and deal with those buried emotions, you're more likely to get a mutually positive outcome." Your telltale sign: hostages. If she's holding back on sex, this could be serious. "If there are problems in the bedroom, it's because there's anger," says Susan Sheppard, a relationship coach and the author of How to Get What You Want from Your Man Anytime.



SET THE TONE

Stow the bullhorn. "You want to set the tone, the mood, the tempo, and the agenda of the discussion," says Robert Mayer, author of How to Win Any Argument without Raising Your Voice, Losing Your Cool, or Coming to Blows. Let her vent. If she wants to explode, throw on a bomb suit. "Nobody is going to listen to logic until the emotional part has been dealt with," says Mayer.



Frier suggests saying, "I understand that you're upset, but it's hard for me to work through this if you keep screaming." That reality shock makes her assess her behavior. Use eye contact to show you're listening -- rapt, even -- and paraphrase her points to acknowledge that you're hearing what she's saying. But be careful of land mines: "In any cross-examination," says Ken Suggs, president of the Association of Trial Lawyers of America, "it's important that you know the answer you're going to get."



RESOLVE THE CRISIS

Seal the deal. "Now it becomes a cooperative effort," Frier says. Let's say your position is logical and you hold the moral high ground. "If you force something on her, you're going to end up with a bitter, resentful girlfriend," says Mayer.



So cut a deal. "You want to make her feel like she's part of the process," Frier says. Ask her to offer solutions. If she makes a demand that's reasonable, work to try to gain some-thing from it. Start small. "In a hostage situation, the first thing we do is ask them to release all the hostages, knowing they'll say no," says Frier. "Then we compromise by asking them to release one. I just won because I'm going to get a hostage out, and they think they've won because they only have to give up one guy." Her emotional hostages need some air, too.